I am having one of those days, one of those days that I often don't let people know that I am having. Tonight as I was driving to Costco I had a bazillion thoughts going through my mind and I decided that I needed to write about it, well just because.
Our blog has turned into my version of a journal. I use it to keep track of the adventures and things that we do as a family. So for those of you who are reading my "journal" this post isn't seeking sympathy or criticism....I'm just writing and I'm not complaining, because trust me I know how blessed we are. I know that we are blessed to have the webcam and that we get to talk to Jimmy daily, and that I have my sister here to help me and keep me company, and that our families are so supportive, and that we have the gospel as a foundation to offer strength and comfort, and on and on....I'm just writing, to remember.
Deployment has been a growing experience. I think Jimmy would say the same. It pulls and stretches in the strangest of ways. Most days we plug along and take it a day at a time and try to look for the positive and look forward to the hour or so we get to spend talking on the web cam and then we just do what we do. And then sometimes, there are days like today. (for me anyway).... Days where I feel so lonesome, I mean I always feel lonely for Jimmy but some days it feels like all of those days combined...today is one of those days. One of those days where I feel overwhellmed and out of patience, where I feel like a bad mom and a weak army wife. One of those days where a year feels like forever and then some.
I am writing about this because I am pretty sure we'll be doing it again in the future and I would like to remember that I made it through days like today and that I can do it again. I was thinking about the last four months and the things we have had to adjust to and manage and get through. For the most part I would say we have done awesome. I think we have managed to have a very positive attitude and just make the best out of it. I think that we have always had a wonderful marriage and relationship but that this experience has made it better and stronger. I say that because I have been reminded over and over of how incredible my husband is and how strong and selfless and well, practically perfect he is. He does so much for us even though he is so far away. I love him more and more everyday. So, there have been and will continute to be good things that will come out of our difficult situation...but, ha ha like I said...today is one of those days....
Today I keep thinking about all that has been required in this particular trial (keep in mind that these are my thoughts, Jimmy would never say this)....on Jimmy's side, he is so far away and only gets to see his daughter on the webcam for a few minutes a day. It doesn't do justice to all of the changes and growing she is doing and it feels like he is missing so much. He is a world away in a dangerous area with so many uncertainties. He has to walk a long distance to go to the bathroom and brush his teeth, he works 12+ hours a day and only gets one day off every two weeks, he has to eat in a cafeteria everyday for every meal and they don't even have decent mashed potatoes, he is missing birthdays, anniversaries, holiday, etc...., anyway, you get the point. Jimmy never complains and would never say that it's hard so this is all my speculation.
For me it has been hard to of course be without Jimmy and to worry about Jimmy. It has been hard to be pregnant without Jimmy. It makes me sad that he misses feeling my belly when the baby kicks, or going to the doctor to see the ultrasound, or hearing the baby's heartbeat. It makes me sad that he has missed putting up the crib and getting the baby's room ready. It makes me sad that he misses the silly things Madeline does on a daily basis. It makes me sad that he doesn't get to kiss her everyday. It has been hard to be a first time parent and feel like I am learning how to do so much on my own. We of course talk about parenting issues...but it's not the same. It's hard for me to be the full time enforcer. There are other things but I kind of feel like I am just rambling now and the list could go on and on.
A lot of people have said that they don't know how we do it or have asked how we do it and it all really comes down to the plain and simple fact that we love each other and that's why we do it. When Jimmy proposed to me he asked me if it was going to be okay....because we knew this would eventually happen. It's just one of those things that life throws at you and you deal with it the best you can. That's what we do and sometimes we...well, I have one of those days....
I really am thankful. I am thankful for my wonderful husband and my beautiful daughter and our little boy on the way. I am thankful that we have opportunities that stretch us and help us grow and love each other on a deeper level. I am thankful for trials...some I wish would pass more quickly, but I am truly thankful. I am thankful for my husband and those he works with and for the sacrifices that they make to benefit us and so many others. I am thankful. I am very thankful...even on days like today.
